Get Curious!

This past Saturday was World Mental Health day. I am so grateful that there is a day to draw attention to a grievously under spoken issue. I also feel like it’s a call-to-action for all of us to really focus on ourselves and the way our brains emotionally function every single day. We need to get inquisitive about how and why we are actively choosing our language, our actions and our daily approach to the world.

I feel like my ongoing mental theme the past six months has been, “get curious”. Mostly I am applying this line to myself when incidents occur that don’t sit well with me. But even the positive moments have me questioning my thoughts lately.  I’ve spent much of my mental space pondering questions like this: Why do I feel this way? Where is it coming from? Why did I react that way? Why did his/her words make me feel that way? Why does my mind automatically go there? Why does this make me feel envy or jealousy? Why did I create a false story in my head? Why did I just assume their answer? What in their actions is creating such a negative resound in myself? Why did their words just cut me so deeply? Why does that action make me feel less than? What in this situation make me question my self-worth? Why do I not feel worthy? Why does this person light me up and that person does not? Why did that text message feel so heavy? What is it about them that my energy doesn’t align with? Why will I accept the same behavior from some but not from others? Why is this such a trigger for me? And on and on and on…this pandemic, as we all know far too well, has been a deep dive into our inner sanctums.

Speaking for myself, this line of questioning my every move and thought process is exhausting. But it is also a very important game-changer. It has made me realize qualities I am ashamed of. It has made me more accepting of others’ behavior (while respecting my boundaries with them). It has created more compassion and empathy to myself and others. It has really woken me up to the parts of myself that I usually hide from and to the parts that need more love and attention from me. As I am usually in a constant state of go-time, I had spent a lot of my life saying to myself “well it is what it is” and moving on. But I was wrong to approach my life, my thoughts and others with that laissez-faire attitude. Knowing who you are at your deepest level and then learning to love yourself that deeply has given me the courage to be more vulnerable and more authentically myself. It has taught me to remove toxic relationships and cherish my loved ones. Every year I am shocked to think of who I was a year ago and who I am now. I am in constant flux.

And as I am entertaining my curious mind, I am also going to a weekly talk therapy session where I am able to bounce my thoughts off of an unbiased person, who helps me dive even deeper into the whys of myself. She helps me formulate the right questions about myself and my triggers. And she pushes me to understand who I am without guilt or shame. She helps me to human better. And to accept myself as a flawed individual.

Because curiosity is not as simple as saying “why did I just yell at my partner for not taking out the garbage”? We all know why you got upset- because you’ve asked him/her a million times and it is still not outside. But the question then becomes, why do you feel the need to be the person to remind them to do that? What sort of relationship roles have you set up in your life that this incident frustrates you so much? Did your approach reflect the severity of the issue? Is your reaction even about the garbage? Did you use words to make your partner feel small? What relationships have you had in your life that mimic your current one and are you emulating them to possibly work on fixing that past issue? There are so many questions that you could be asking yourself to find out more about you, your relationship and your past issues that need healing.

And a good portion of our mental journey through adulthood is healing. I am going to assume that our parents never meant to royally screw us up, but like every single parent, they have a strong hand in your current state of mind and perspective. The adult figures of our childhood laid a lot of the foundation for who we have become. And this is through no fault of their own, as they also have to carry the burden of their own childhoods. But we now have the option to get curious about ourselves and then begin the work to heal. The recognition of our issues is where the growth begins but the full cauterization of these issues starts in the healing process. To end the cycles of our past and our parents’ past, we need to recognize the trauma and begin the repairs so the story ends with us.

And trauma doesn’t have to be dramatic. There are capital-T Traumas and the more typical smaller traumas. I am speaking of the lesser traumas that still create a significant impact on our daily lives. I was raised in a household where people yelled to make a point and now my work is in not resorting to the volume and tone of my voice to set boundaries and state my position. And it’s not an easy autopilot to turn off. My sincere apologies to all my exes who have had to deal with my moments of anger where I resorted to this crappy learned behavior. But this is a part of my work; a part of my healing journey. I have made grand strides in this but by no means have I completely healed it. I may never actually remove this broken chip, but at least I am on the curious path.

And here’s something to keep in mind while we get curious- our minds are not always our allies. We tend to think of our minds/thoughts as who we are. But our minds are not always our friends. They have been set up to protect us, not tell us the truth. So in order to expand in this life, we have to start recognizing when our ego, triggers and past traumas are speaking for us and where the truth within that lies. That is where my curiosity began- in trying to pull apart my ego from my actual self. And wherever your curiosity takes you, be sure to not beat yourself up. I found it hard to sit in my crappy behavior, know where it is coming from and why and then still be kind to myself on top of that.

Reminder: we are human and we are flawed and we are still beautiful. Get curious about those flaws and you will begin to see your inner beauty grow exponentially. This curiosity is not an overnight fix but like all things, the more you do it, the more available it becomes. Apologies become more accessible, vulnerability will become a valuable extension of yourself and you will find an inner peace that helps promote authenticity. Try it and let me know.

Sending you all love on this rainy day. I have said this before, but I will say it again, I am always a space for help, if you are finding your mental health is in need of love.

Get curious, be love, share love,

Jamiesonxo