The Beauty of Fighting

I have a minor obsession with mental health, personal growth and relationship podcasts. I think it’s because I work really hard on trying to be the best and most authentic version of myself and anyone’s ideas, philosophies and input that can get me to my higher place, I’ll take it. Each week something tends to stick out in my mind from something I heard or read and this week is no different. I heard a famous relationship expert and psychological clinical researcher, Dr. Gottman talking with his wife explaining that every single argument is a chance to learn another human better. It gives us insight into the complexities of their mind and allows us, the more evolved, the opportunity to assess and expand with them.

I found this to be so beautiful. I think we all tend to take arguments and fighting as negative aspects of our lives. And, of course, they are. No one wants to spend a day, week, month, year, lifetime in a fight with someone. No one wants to spend their precious energy and time on this planet fighting. But if you can change the way you look at an argument, I think you will begin to see the beauty in it. Arguments are an opportunity to learn your loved one better. It is a chance for growth.

So we all come from the “I’m right” side of the argument, right? I mean if we didn’t think we were right or justified in our stance, we wouldn’t be fighting. And even if you are 100% certain you are right, having the capacity to step back and say, “hmm why does he/she think they are right?” “I wonder what made them get to this point?” “Is there anything I can learn from their approach and position on this subject?” “is there a chance I could be judging this situation unfairly?” Taking the self-aware approach is how you learn and grow with someone, not away from them.

I often hear people groaning about their relationships and what everyone else is doing wrong and how annoying this or that is. But when you break it down and think, "is this going to be an issue in a week, month, year? Am I going to be thinking about this situation on my deathbed?" (honestly, it's morbid but great for introspection.) And if the answer is no, then take the argument situation with a little more perspective and a little less energy and let it go. Your time is not worth it. If you chose the person to be in your life for a reason, then find the reason to keep them there. Find the reason to stop fighting, not continue. 

Because one thing is for sure- you should never judge a person by the last conversation you had with them. You should judge them on the entirety of the relationship Or even better, don't judge them at all. If someone showed up for you, respected you, cared for you, and made you feel seen in the world- then arguing with them probably isn't worth it. Because unless you're so fortunate in this life to have friendships and loved ones lining up at the door to be a significant and positive part of your life- you should probably value the people close to you more. True companions, romantic or not, are not a dime a dozen. 

Like all things in life, fighting has beauty in it. It's taking the time to acknowledge that your right is not someone's wrong. It's being self-aware and mature enough to appreciate and value others' opinions. It is appreciating why the person exists in your life in the first place and yearning to understand them better. 

Let's all human better, 
Jamiesonxo