Being seen & heard

We all know that the foundation of any good relationship- whether familial, career, friendship or love- is respect. Respect for another is having a solid regard for their emotions, actions, thoughts and words. It is valuing the person enough to allow them to be seen & heard. It is allowing for authenticity.

This is something I have struggled with in my life. As a people pleaser and also a person who suffers from good person syndrome, (thanks Cait!) I tend to compromise my emotions and feelings in order to accommodate others. I will easily let the things that bother me slide because my inner voice goes, “will this matter in a week?” And typically the answer is no. I do agree that not allowing the small issues to exist past a few moments is healthy. I’m all for that. But my problem enters when I disregard my persistent issues in order to not rock the boat with others. I want everyone to feel happy and loved and secure with me. I want people to know that they will always be seen and heard. I want them to feel respected by me.

But the catch is that I tend to forgo my self-respect in order to appease others. Eeks! Terrible habit.

This is where the conversation comes in. What I am slowly learning to do is to question whether or not I was seen and heard in a conversation. When I exit a conversation that I am uneasy about, (or enter into for that matter) I ask myself did that person listen to me and were they open to my thoughts and feelings? Did they come to the table with an open heart and a yearning to understand my perspective irrespective of their own emotions and stance? Did I leave the conversation like I had been heard? Now this doesn’t mean I had to come out being right or “winning” in the situation. I could be 100% wrong in my views, but did I feel seen and heard? Was there a mutual respect exchanged between us? Did I feel loved and supported?

And if the answer is no or if the answer is that I was shut down or dismissed, then we have a serious respect issue. My old self would have probably grappled with this for a minute, but then accepted their stance (because life is too short) and moved on. I would have compromised my thoughts and emotions surrounding the issue to squash the conversation and keep the peace. Keep the boat steady was my mental mantra. The problem is that I did not realize how much of myself I was compromising. I did it with work. I did it with friends. With family. With partners. I was always sliding things under my ever-growing rug to keep the peace. And we all know where this leads…to world war three explosions.

Thank God those days of wars of words are over for me. I have learned to approach situations calmly and with respect. I have learned to listen and appreciate the views of others. I am learning to state my own views without shrinking behind my need to please. I am learning where my boundaries lie: what I will accept and more importantly, not accept in my journey. I am learning more about my fundamental need to be seen and heard. I am learning that self-respect and self-worth are values that I carry into relationships; they are not dictated to me.

If you take nothing away from this, just remember that you dictate your own self-respect and self-worth. What you accept from others speaks to how you value yourself. Do not undervalue your self. Ever.

Truly being seen and heard by another is a magical feeling. It makes you feel connected and understood and wrapped up in a cozy blanket of security. We should make it our goal to do this for everyone. Be the person who makes others feel respected, seen & heard and hopefully you value yourself enough to demand the same.

Namaste,
Jamiesonxo