The "Art" of Grieving

Ok so there is no actual art or finesse to grieving. But there is a commonality. Art is the act and product of creation that comes from deep within us, right? It is formed in the space where a bubbling up of passion and ideas come out to play. And grieving requires the same: a place where emotions, normally painful, turbulent ones, can bubble up and be set free. There is no room in healthy grieving for keeping those emotions bottled up. The same as art- it must find a way to be released, to find a cathartic outlet and the outcome, or new version of yourself, is the art. Because anyone surviving loss and dealing with grief is actually designing a beautiful, stronger version of themselves. That is, if they allow for it. 

This is not a blog to tell you how to grieve or how to cope with loss. No one grieves the same as another. Our losses are unique to each of us, same as the individuality in any of our experiences. But the common thread is that all of us will experience loss and grief during our lifetimes. No one comes out unscathed by loss.

Loss does not only mean literal death. There is grieving in a million different variations. You can grieve the loss of an actual death, the loss of who you used to be, the loss of friendships, the loss of jobs, the ego death, the loss of a home, the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of a relationship with a family member, the loss of a place you used to call home, the loss of a partner/spouse, the loss of a pet, the loss of your little ones suddenly turning into independent young adults, the loss of your physical body as you age- the list goes on and on. The constant in this life is change and impermanence. What we hold tightly to will eventually be lost in one way or another. This is, unfortunately, a promise in life.

There is so much sadness and lost hope within grieving. There is the loss of what is and the loss of the imagined future. Grief is surrounded by the swirling questions of “what ifs” and “what could have been”. The main question, though, is: how do I keep moving forward in the ongoing world with this terrible aching pain in my heart? How do I regain some sense of “normalcy”? Grief is an incessant bitch. She loves to remind you of the good times and happy moments and all the joy that came before the loss. She is the never-ending mirror into the past. And she is a constant reminder of the lost future.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life- some by choice, some definitely not by choice. I have buried my best friend and close family members. I have lost friendships that meant the world to me. I have left a couple homes and countries that still call out to my heart weekly. I have had my heart broken into pieces where I thought I’d never recover. I have grieved futures that one day were set in stone and the next were shockingly taken from me. I have spent a lot of my life grieving, while not negating all the amazing living I have also experienced.

But boy, it is not an easy ride. There were days that I had serious suicidal thoughts. There were days, weeks that I could barely get out of bed, let alone take a shower or do any sort of normal human necessities. There were countless panic attacks and hysterical sobbing that usually hit me in public places (shout out to Trader Joe’s and their amazing employees). There was severe depression. There was so much chaos and negative self-talk that swarmed my brain relentlessly. Grief is the most difficult and scary roller coaster we will face in life.

But the worst part is that grief never really leaves us. You can certainly heal from grief, but, in essence, it is just transformed through time and the growth and strength of the human spirit. Grief never fully let’s go of us. At first, it knocks on our door daily to remind us every second, every minute and then those knocks become more spaced out and eventually, hopefully, we come to acceptance with our loss and grief. We learn to live side by side with it, without letting it disrupt our living and our joy. Because you can, in fact, grieve and also find joy. You can grieve and be grateful. You can grieve and still love. Grief is not a death sentence to our human experience. It is just a very painful part of it.

What keeps grief constantly knocking is avoidance. When you try to fill that void with distractions- drinking, drugs, socializing, another person, hyper focusing on another aspect or hobby in your life, overworking, social media, etc. you will never get to the acceptance and healing. Distractions are not a bad thing. Trust me, I have used all the distractions before. And sometimes you need the distractions or a pause in grieving to be able to focus on responsibilities. But when you don’t eventually allow your grief to flow, to allow those difficult emotions to find a positive place to land, your grief is not going to minimize or transmute. It will just be lurking in the background of all your choices, your reactions, feeding your fears, etc. Grief needs to be welcomed with open arms, just like love. It needs to be nurtured and tended to like you would do with the loves that haven’t been lost in your life. Because denying grief and not allowing it to flow and take you on that scary, painful roller coaster, only hardens you. It creates more negative emotions. It will pop up in random moments and really mess with your life. It will create defense mechanisms that might protect your psychological wellbeing at first, but eventually turn against you. Avoiding grief will always take a negative toll on your body and mindset.

To make it even more difficult, grief is a fairly solitary journey. It may be a mutually shared experience amongst others grieving the same loss, but you have to travel the road of tears and acceptance at your own pace, in your own time. No one’s journey is the same. There is no time limit on grief. Sadly, some losses can last a lifetime. But it’s your duty to yourself to not to let this happen. Do your best to change the lens in which you see the loss. This is where the choice to acknowledge and accept the experience is a must. Please don’t live your life in the rear-view mirror. Your job is to learn to live parallel to the pain, not in it.

So why? What does such a painful and difficult physical and mental mind fuck even exist? And the answer is (annoyingly) beautiful: because love exists. The greater the love, the more difficult the grief. This is the beauty of grief: it does not exist without love. They are two sides of the same coin. The more love breaks open your heart and you pour that love into that person, place or thing- the more you will grieve it. Where there is great love, there is great grief. Grief is the constant reminder of the love we wish we could still share. Grief is the actual cost of our ability to love.

Now, does this mean we stop loving? Do we regret the love that was shared? Do we build walls around our heart with the hopes that we will never feel that pain again? Hopefully the answer is no for you, as it is for me. There are always moments during my grieving that I think, “wow I really loved that person or place, what a fucking gift it was that my heart and soul could feel so deeply connected, that I could love in such an intense manner.” Love, no matter how it plays out in our lives, is always a gift to be cherished. Grief, in a way, is like a badge of honor, reminding us of how deeply we can love.

Because what is grief? It’s a huge gaping hole in your soul, a gunshot wound through your heart. And if you want to continue not just living, but thriving, it will require you to tend to that wound. To do whatever makes you feel even the slightest bit better, to bring a little joy and laughter to your world. Whatever it takes to get the tiniest hits of dopamine and serotonin every single day. Whether that’s meditating, getting out in nature, working out, getting more sleep, eating better, dancing to your favorite tunes, whatever authentic self-care means to you- do more of that. Even when you don’t want to, just try a little. And if you can’t do it today, try again tomorrow. But don’t give up on living because grief is holding you prisoner. The more often you can find reasons to smile, the less grief will be your captor. Focus on being present and do your damnedest to find the gratitude in all of it. I know that is easier said than done, but it truly is a gift that you loved whatever you lost with so much fervor that it knocked you down this much. What an amazing quality to deeply love with that much of you. Be grateful for the love, not the loss. And through it all, remind yourself of how worthy you are of a great life. Grief can be a thief to our self-worth. Don’t allow for that. If you walk this life with that much love, you are worthy of greatness.

For anyone in the process of grieving, I send you so much love. I have been there, I have so much compassion for your heart right now. You will get through this, maybe not soon, but you will. This is a reminder that when a heart is cracked open, it is so that the light can shine through. xo