Are you leaning in?

I have been seriously leaning in these past couple weeks. I have been almost forcing myself to have conversations and deal with situations that are not my norm. Not because I am avoidant of these things but because vacation and heavy conversations and situations don’t typically go hand-in-hand. My usual “vacation mode” is not what I’ve been experiencing. I have been in a lot of deep conversations with family and friends since I’ve left the states. I am currently now in Fiji after a week in Hawaii with my cousin and my aunt, which was amazing. Hawaii was a magical place and it was filled with magical experiences.  I had the joy of seeing my family after twenty years of not seeing them except through social media. Social media conditions us to think that we know people and their lives, but in reality, we did not know our past two decades of living. We dove deep into our missed history. We stayed up late every night laughing, crying, and sharing all the highs and lows of our lives. It was amazing. Beyond amazing. Honestly, I cried a lot on the way to the airport to fly to Fiji because I was equally happy to have experienced such a vulnerable space but also sad to be leaving it. What I said to my Hawaiian family is that I was so grateful for our time spent together because they gave me everything I didn’t know I had needed. I had absolutely no idea what I needed on this trip, but they somehow filled every void I was avoiding. I truly had no clue walking into my cousin’s home that I was going to get so deep and share so much and have so much commonality with them after all these years. It was an incredible experience and it taught me that I really need to lean into the unknown more. I learned I need to work on asking for help and letting people hold me up when I cannot hold myself.

My entire plan for Hawaii, Fiji and for the rest of this trip is to have no plan- to just let go and let it flow, which is not something that comes naturally to me. I need to just let the universe unfold as it has planned and not how I envision it. Normally, I am a planner. I love to get excited about the adventures ahead and to figure out all the details- from where to eat and what to sign up for and what hotel is best and all the things. I absolutely love travel planning. But for these six weeks, I decided to let that all go. I had zero plans besides shark diving while home and I am totally ok with that. Because what I have learned the hard way is that God or the universe or whatever you want to call it- they laugh at your plans. Nothing ever goes as expected. I decided to lean into the unplanned experiences, to lean into the unexpected. This was a big lesson for me.

My mind, my thoughts, my ideals have all changed a lot since I decided to lean in. What does this mean for me? It means that I am no longer putting up walls or trying to be strong and put together, I am letting go of everything and letting myself be messy. I am letting myself be even more vulnerable than normal. I am letting people see parts of me that I normally would hide away. I am choosing to let any expectations, thoughts, or feelings just flow. I have cried a lot during this trip- good tears and sad ones. I am journaling every day to keep checking in with my mental state. I am really leaning on those around me to teach me to find grace and love for myself in my messy moments. I am leaning into my most natural state without judgment. And it is fucking beautiful. It is raw and uncomfortable and all the difficult things, but it is just me- flaws and everything. And I am proud of myself for it. I am proud of leaning into it all because it is making me realize how broken we can be without really realizing it but still be our whole selves while going through the repair. And I am certainly going through the repair.

If I could write about the things that have happened to me these past two weeks or the ah-ha conversations that I have had, your mind would be blown. It has seriously been an unreal trip thus far. I have nothing but great things to report and that includes getting a speeding ticket in Hawaii. All the things- good and bad have led me to just let shit go. To just really lean into all the experiences and treat them as gift. Nothing we experience is meant to break us, but only to teach us. To really force us to lean into the tough shit. To move closer to the pain or grief. Because our deep truth comes from the moments we don’t think we can get through. Our deepest moments come from the spaces we didn’t think we could survive. We are such incredible resilient creatures that tend to focus on the “how do we survive this” mentality when the whole time we are already in the midst of surviving it all. We are meant to survive it and surpass it. We are meant to lean into it and grow.

And I think this is a lesson for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in our everyday lives and try to keep the world around us spinning as seamlessly as possible. And we all beat ourselves up for not “doing it all” and not being where we thought we should be in life. And we need to refocus our mindset to our deeper needs while finding a way to let go of our harsh judgements. We need to practice the art of leaning into those needs and what we are feeling, even if it is not easy to do or accept. It is absolutely ok to have days that you feel like a failure or guilty for whatever reasons. This is a part of the human experience. But focus on if that feeling is serving you and if it isn’t, let it go. Move on. What we stress today will not matter in months from now. Learn to listen to your truths and not focus on arbitrary or fleeting moments. Lean into the release. Right now, what can you let go of? What can you lean into more?

For example, it is easy for me to be vulnerable, but it is certainly not easy for me to ask for help. But I am leaning into the ask. I am also recognizing that is ok to need help. I may be strong, but I am not super human. I can let go of the notion that asking for help is a weakness and lean into my need for help sometimes.

So for me right now, the lean in process, has been getting comfortable in the uncomfortable spaces. It has meant letting go of what I “think” may serve me and take in what is actually serving me. It has meant saying yes and no very rigidly based on how I am feeling. It has meant letting go of what I expect and leaning into what is actually happening. It has meant learning to forgo who I am as an educated traveler and leaning into being a constant learner while traveling. I am learning that feeling broken does not mean being broken. And it all honesty, it is so fuckin’ difficult but also so goddamn beautiful. Every day I journal about a million and one things I am grateful for. I am constantly reminded by others about how much magic and light and fun I bring to the table. There are so many random instances and interactions that remind me of how amazing I am. And none of this is to be cocky or overconfident, it actually is just what I am experiencing and it is all reminding me of who I actually am. And I am learning to receive it all.

Which is to say that we all have points of being broken and lost and in search of better days, but underneath all it, we are still magical “full of life” humans. Sometimes it takes the breakdown to find these beautiful touchstones. And the more we lean into the breakdown or even just the acknowledgement of our tough moments, we can begin to move through them better. I am in that space right now. I see where I am flailing, and I can feel where I am starting to breathe lightly again. It is such an amazing space to be in. I am acknowledging my weaknesses and still leaning into my strengths. This is a serious memo to do the same. I always have high expectations of myself, but fuck it, right now, I am the best and brightest version I can be, even through the tears. We cannot do or be it all. We can only exist, as is, in the space we have right now. The person who is reading this today may not be the same person who exists tomorrow. And whoever that is, just be grateful and loving towards them. Just lean into their flaws and weaknesses because those are also indicative of our strengths. It is the ying and yang of life. A reminder from nature that beautiful things are grown out of dirt. I hope you decide to lean into all the messiness of life and come out stronger for it. I know I have. So lean in today to whatever you are feeling or experiencing and let go of what doesn’t serve you and really hone in on what brings you joy. xo